Unearthing Things Underneath

Even when I try to work it out I lose it.
(7:11:52 PM) me: it sucks even more cause it happens at dinner and there goes my appetite
(7:12:34 PM) me: the only thing I can do to stop myself is to stuff the food down my throat so that I don't talk but when i do that I get all grossed out with myself

(7:16:07 PM) me: lol i actually ran around the house going whoo!
(7:16:28 PM) me: cause my grade went up to a B- but I guess i never told them what i had before
(7:16:51 PM) me: they seemed mildly approving
(7:17:25 PM) me: but i had to recover from my rejoicing within the second i told them cause they started asking how i got there in the first place
(7:18:06 PM) me: and then he was all when's your final? next week? I better help you study. You better manage your time. study hard.
(7:19:17 PM) me: For one thing, I have told them about my grade and I told them I would fix it. Second, they know I study hard yet they insist on saying it as if I was doing nothing all day long
(7:20:09 PM) me: Third, they know i struggle with chem and it wasn't fair for them to knock me down right when i got back on the stupid horse
(7:22:18 PM) me: yea and then I got over that after i went back to my room
(7:22:25 PM) me: then it was dinner time.
(7:23:01 PM) me: this weekend my old school had its church carnival and my mom was captain of a vietnamese food booth
(7:23:33 PM) me: it was our first year doing it and my dad worked as an "overseer" to make sure our "system" of serving was good
(7:23:45 PM) me: he asked us today what bothered us so we told him
(7:24:11 PM) me: he's sensitive so every time we said something he had to defend it wiht a response
(7:25:01 PM) me: then I told him about a couple circumstances and all he kept saying were ways i could improve not how the other person would
(7:25:26 PM) me: it made it sound like it was my fault even though i know he never inteneded it to be that way
(7:26:36 PM) me: then I said that if he needed to say something to the orderers about something, he could say it generally instead of individually because we could all hear it and didn't need to hear it twice
(7:27:44 PM) me: he said he did that because he wanted to show that an adult was in charge and because people think teenagers don't know what they're doing
(7:27:56 PM) me: that was the kick
(7:28:02 PM) me: really hard in the face
(7:28:37 PM) me: in the past, i had issues with knowing wether or not he trusted me
(7:29:06 PM) me: and in the past i had confirmed that it was just the other people around me he didn't trust
(7:29:37 PM) me: but in recent events, i know now he doesn't trust me and even if he says he does, I don't think i'll believe him
(7:30:09 PM) me: right now i'm not as upset,
(7:30:18 PM) me: but I am hurt.

The worst part is, they don't see how hard I try and I know they only mean well, but in the end, I don't have the heart to tell them that it seems to be causing more damage.

Me and My Music

I like to pretend that I have a very broad knowledge of music...but actually, I am very limited. It's not because I'm particular in music tastes, I am actually very open when it come to music, I just haven't had enough exposure yet. I think it's about time to start exploring and expanding.

Music. Lately, I have had strong feelings of spontaneous dancing. A big part of it has to do with the type of music appearing on the radio. At least half of the top songs have some type of dancing beat and I cannot help but to dance. Unfortunately, my dancing skills are not so great so I only dance in the dark or in my room..with the door closed. I would love to go to a dance soon and I hope after the play is over, I can go to one because it's about time.

Aside from that, I need to add more songs onto my iPod. I have at least 3 iTunes cards lying around my room in different places and I should probably use them. I also should transfer the music to my iPod instead of just leaving it on my iTunes.

Well, still got things to do so gotta get a move on.

Freshman can suck it.

The status of my week just changed form ecstatic to under the weather.

Stupid freshman don't even know who I am. And all they can do is poke fun cause they think its cool? Yea, well, get a life! You probably want to know what happened right?

One of my best friends Jessica had this yellow balloon and we were hitting each other with it because it was amusing. I find balloons extremely entertaining and that balloon was the only thing that kept me from leaving my last class. School is finally over and I walk back to my locker with another friend. Of course, the balloon was in my hand so I threw it up and the wind decided to carry it away. It didn't have helium in it but I let it go when I was walking up the stairs. By now, I am officially in little kid at a candy shop mode and I go "My Balloon!!" As it drifted away towards the ground, I walked away thinking about where it would fly to next. Maybe off campus and some little kid would pick it up and smile. But maybe when he leaned down to pick it up the ice cream in his hand fell off the cone.

Anyway I thought it was pretty funny how entertained I was and how much I sounded like a 4 year old when I lost the balloon. I walk towards my car to go home and the stupid freshmen behind yell out "My Balloon!" half of them laughing at the others. Yes they were making fun of me but what did I do? Nothing. I really wanted to turn around and...........nevermind.....I pretended to ignore them and got in the car as they continued to yell out and laugh with each other.

My highlight of the day just turned into a very very lowpoint. Thanks freshmen.

I hope you have a wonderful life with no one to laugh at you when you try to be yourself. You taught me how to ruin a strangers life. Thanks.

Imperfection in Impressions

Let's say you knew someone older than you by about 4 years. Let's say when you first met her, she was bubbly, confident, open, humble, responsible, cute. She has everything you wished you had and could serve as an excellent role model of how to live a successful life without regret. Let's say from the moment you knew her name, you observed her to see everything she was doing right so you could take notes and perhaps, by a one in a million chance, follow in her fruitful footsteps. She spoke to adults extremely well, she made friends with any and every person she met, she was commended for her respectful, responsible ways, she lived her day not caring what anyone else thought about her...But then, she did not care about what anyone else said either. Her presence in the room was overpowering. As soon as she stepped in, she was the boss. She was the only person who mattered and all eyes and ears were automatically fixed to focus directly on her. Any attempt of resistance only strengthened her dictatorial powers. She spoke. Her words traveled at lightning speed straight through our bodies and arrived with herculean force. Every syllable rang through the air, our focus still forced towards her. Every consonant attacked our minds ceasing any train of thoughts that were forming. Every vowel pierced through our hearts crushing out any will to object, or even comment, about her opinions. The moment she left, the rest of the discussion continued, as if nothing had happened. Was I really the only one who felt the way that I did? Could anyone else hear the overbearing tone that spilled out of her mouth? Did ANYONE understand what she just did? I thought she was ideal. The perfect person to look up to. The one the adults would compare you with. The girl that you always dreamed to be. That's who I thought she was. Unfortunately, she realized what all the adults said about her. She took in all the compliments, the praise, the approval. She built a wall, high and mighty, that always stood in front of her. The words she spoke were purely to benefit her reputation. "All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head." She took her strengths to the next level, her goal: to raise her reputation and reinforce her wall. She forgot about the things that mattered to anyone else and left their thoughts, emotions, feelings locked up in a small jar tucked deep beneath the foundations of her wall. She deserted me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's quite a disappointment to find that first impressions sometimes may be completely opposite to a person's true characteristics. The things, so precious and so dear, lost in between the two different people within one person. Sometimes, realization leads to losses, and losses trigger emotions, and emotions cause deep thinking processes. A prominent part of this girl is her realization of her reputation, her realization, too, that she was humble about it. Humility. She lost her humility because she realized what it was doing for her. Her facade showed an innocent, beautiful girl, kind to all, and accomplished. Because she knew this, she utilized her knowledge to become a bossy (Back) itch never able to be reached. That is the story of first impressions, of reputation, of reality.

Chaos and Ca(cough)ony

Talk about the longest, most hectic, crazy two weeks in a row!

My school planner for the past two weeks is filled up. There's still room in the 1st week but the second one, there's literally no room left, barely even enough room in the margins. Teachers say they try to collaborate with each other to keep the tests, quizzes, essays, and projects due on different days, but from what happened the last two weeks, I doubt any communications go on with them. Unless, of course, it's planning to schedule due dates on all the same days. Thursday seemed to be their favorite day both last week and this week.

Week 1:

Thursday - AlgebraII Ch. 3 + 2.6 and 2.8 Test

- Chemistry quiz (ions)

- Religion Test Ch. 3

- English In-Class Essay

Week 2:

Wednesday - Ramona Service Fair

-AP US History in class essay

Thursday - AP US History Unit II Test

-identification terms due

- English Synthesis Essay due

-Religion Presentations (supposedly due today but gave extentions)

Friday - Chemistry Ch. 5 Test

Aside from the all the assignments, the service fair on Wednesday was rather successful. Father Greg Boyle came to speak to us and he was pretty funny. Unfortunately, for the girls who think they are more entertaining than the school assemblies, they missed out on this one. Compared to last years' service fair, it proved a huge success and a bunch more different service sites came this year, partly thanks to student council. Today, I was supposed to go to TN finally, but, I got sick. Most likely, I caught it form my sister, but I'm not blaming her. I figured my annual sickness time was coming right around the corner and sure enough it hit me! Thank goodness i am much better today or else I wouldn't be able to go to school or play practice. If i couldn't do play practice, I would be kicked off cause it's tech week this week and the next. Here comes another crazy two more weeks.

Halloweenie

Here's a quick post:

It's Halloween tomorrow and I have nothing to do except for homework. Right now I am doing homework and I am extremely bored out of my mind. I had an awesome time on Friday after school when I actually went to the mall without adult supervision for the first time. *gasp* (I know right?) But I had a bomb time with my friends and I think I can finally call them my best friends now. I also met a new potential friend the same day. Life is good and whatever happens I'll get over it. =]

No Comment

***this is a post where i start to vent and let out all my anger and feelings about myself but the beginnings ok still. I'll warn you when the other stuff come.****

It's too bad parents will never know what I've learned about parenting. But since a couple of weeks ago I have been trying to compile "tips" of better parenting. Of course they are based on my experiences but unfortunately if my parents were to ever get a hold of these tips, well, they probably would be very offended so what's the point of telling them anyway?

So my point is, that the examples for these tips is building up and I actually now have more than one supporting idea for my #3 tip:

Parenting Lesson #3

Do NOT go out of your way to help your child. Do NOT create more work for yourself. Do NOT try to be extra helpful because in the end sometimes it is no use. Your child might not be satisfied and neither will you be.

I usually post it on Tumblr but today, I actually have an example!

Location: The car - here's what happened

As a mother she decides to go out and buy me some food because I did not have lunch yet and it was almost 4 or something like that so she stops by a very poplar fast food chain while I'm practicing for a dance. Of course, she knows that I've been trying extremely hard to build healthy eating habits and so she buys chicken nuggets (healthy right?)(that's sarcasm). She thought it would be easiest for me to eat while i was practicing. I thought it was very kind of her and appreciated her efforts. Unfortunately, I don't think she realized, that every single time I bit into the nugget, I wanted to cry. I felt like such a fat-a**. My little sister felt the same "disgust" about nuggets as I did and it hurt so much more because she couldn't even look at me when I was eating. I got to the 5th and I had to stop. I just couldn't do it. How was I supposed to tell my mom that I appreciated her effort while telling how horrible I felt without her getting offended? I was stuck.

So what did I do? I asked my lil sis if I was really that disgusting? and she said no, but nuggets are. Mom just had to hear the last thing she said and that's how it started. So, it was me, who felt bad because I couldn't the food she tried so hard to get for me and my little sister who felt is was unfair that she got in trouble for saying nuggets were disgusting and my mom offended and probably "feeling like the bad guy" when she was only trying to help.

***The below is all about my feelings and I just wrote it cause I needed to let it out somewhere and I can't do it on paper cuz then I'd have to burn it but I can't use fire.*****

I cannot explain to her or my dad that I hate how I am now, and am trying as hard as I can, despite school getting in the way, to eat better, look better, feel, better and try to be a better person all at the same time. It's a big burden to carry and I am trying but unsuccessfully. I don't like eating in front of people for one, and it's even worse when my own sister can't even look me in the face and is disgusted that I'm eating right next to her. (Not mad at her and it's not her fault at all because I completely understand her reasoning.) So after the parents ask why I don't like nuggets and cheeseburgers so much, I have to tell them because they are filled with preservatives and are just about the worst thing I could eat. Before church while I was in the car with my mom, she already asked me if I wanted anything after from the fast food chain so of course I hesitate because I just don't really like eating there.If i do, I get a side salad and a snack wrap, or a chicken sandwich. She already knows that and she knows I have been trying to be better about what foods to eat but her reasoning for nuggets was so I could eat while I'm dancing. I DO NOT EAT while I am dancing unless I wanted to choke. No offense, but I have no idea why anyone would eat while dancing unless they were starving to death. Even dad tried to tell her it that I would be fine without food but being the kind mother who always tries to think for others, she went and bought me chicken nuggets. Just about the worst thing for me to eat.

***It gets worse here so I'm warning you now.***

I HATE being a fat-a**. What's the point of having a big bust when every single other body part is even bigger. I HATE that when some people talk to me they can't look me in the eyes and say it to my face. Ok, I get it, I'm not easy to look at but could you just have the common decency to look somewhere other than my chest, like maybe my FACE. Even though most people do make eye contact, I cannot help to think that they are actually trying to concentrate on eye contact because it's hard to look at my face. I swear to you I am trying very hard to be myself but I just cannot get a grip on what I'm really feeling. I hate that I grow out of clothes so fast because my stupid upper body and my huge thighs. I just want it to all go away! but it won't. It seems liek the harder I try, the worse it gets. I swear I don't even eat that much and if i do, it's probably at a buffet and even then I eat a sald first and small portions of everything else. Why did this have to happen to me?? There is no such thing as a fat asian girl. That's just not normal. I don't think anyone really understands what I'm feeling cause they never had to deal with that. I doubt there will be a day when I meet someone who has to go throuhg the same feelings I feel every day. It's even harder because i'm trying to help others feel better about themselves when I don't like me very much. Life is so difficult sometimes all I can do is cry. Even though I despise it very much. *sigh* "Is anybody there? Does anybody care?"

The one and only,

-Joodie