Year One

Year one college life was a success. It was fun, exciting, new, different, and filled with just the right amounts of stress, challenges, and even mistakes.  I learned so much more about myself, about living, about teaching, about communication, about dancing, about singing, about acting, about friendship.  I experienced the independence so infamously spoken of when referring to college living.  I had freedom with the only limit being a lack of a car but the public transportation supported me the ways through, not to mention my legs.
I basically got to do everything I ever wanted with wonderful people and I never stopped meeting new people. I was so hopeful.  Fall quarter, check. Winter came and went. Spring quarter, year one complete.

And then came summer.
So grateful for the end of one very accomplished and memorable school year and looking forward to the long break that was to come including beach trips, camping, family, and old friends.  It all happened and I thought I was happy at least for the first two months but both times there was something inside that just kept coming back.  It was subtle at first like a little tick and then it became in itch.  From there it grew and then shrunk. At times I even thought it may have disappeared completely but alas, it would return.  Beginning, I'm not exactly sure where but it was either a pit in my stomach, or was it my heart; probably both.  A small hole, a peep, just a speck. But it continued and the hole got larger. It became a deep abyss, a void that needed to be filled.  For a couple days the inner feeling became physical and I considered the possibility of having burst organ.  That of course was just me being dramatic. But the physical soon subsided and yet what was left was an even bigger gap that seemed to extend as the days passed.

The two days of the beach trip and this last weekend were the greatest reliefs. For just a second I thought it would be okay, that the separation was gone and I was whole again.  Little did I know, it was a teaser.  I've got that summertime sadness.  This past weekend was probably the best one this whole summer.  The excitement at felt at the beginning of the year came back and it was a wonderful 3 days.  But again, just like that, it all left me.  My friends that I won't see for probably another year left and I left.  It was fun while it lasted but this time, the goodbyes didn't seem like enough.  It hurts so much more even though I've done this same meeting and leaving before.

I'm not sure why it was so much more difficult this time but I have some possible responses as to why.

1. I learned to appreciate friendship much  more this year with the sudden death of a fellow student.  I didn't know him personally but I knew people who did and it hurt just the same.  After that, may he rest in peace, I learned to love my friends in a way I never knew how to before.  
2. I became more honest, with others and myself.  I opened up to be vulnerable even with the risk of getting hurt.  I loved people so much more and I kept in mind this saying "It is better to have loved and hurt, then never to have loved at all."
3. I was more confident and more me. So when I saw my people again, it was really me and not just some girl putting up a front to impress others.  I also wasn't as insecure constantly worrying they thought I was annoying.  For once, I felt like they truly missed me and were happy to see me and not just out of pity or cause they wanted to be nice.
4. I felt comfortable again like I did at the university, without a mask when surrounded by them, not the way I acted around my family because I had to hold up expectations.  

Because of this though, I felt guilty and like I had been and still am living a double life. I thought I was a two faced female dog and I felt horrible.  After talking to my mom, she reassured me that acting different around family versus friends is completely normal.  There's still this sinking feeling inside though and I don't like it.  I want to be alone in my room in my head but I also want to be surrounded by my friends I know and love.  It could be that I just need my freedom once again, or that I need a new group of people to surround myself with but whatever the answer, I need it soon before I get too absorbed in my thoughts and I implode.  

After these observations, I can see how much I've changed within the past year.  I am a different person but still the same.  This is probably the closest I've got to finding out who I really am and because of my new perspectives, things change and I change...Or do I stay the same, just with certain traits more amplified than before, after all, the feelings had to start from somewhere.  I went from a naive girl who said she didn't like "Asian boys" because she thought they were all like K-pop stars, to a young adult who is more than willing to accept love and friendship from whoever comes along.  She doesn't want to fall into those stereotypes or fall for them either.  She's above that now and she knows better.  

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I have so much love to give. I just need someone to give it to.  It would be nice to have that one person who feels the same way I do, that can share with me a special kind of love, not a lust or passion, but honest and true love. One best friend I can come to at any moments notice and one who sees me the same way.  Take me, I'm at your disposal.  I know I over-think things almost all the time and it makes me crazy, but it's because I'm so scared something won't turn out right and I'll be left alone.  I don't think I can live alone but I know there are so many people who love me and care for me but why is it so important that I have to have one more special one. One.