Emotional Endings

I can't even try to arrange getting a ride without the conversation turning into an emotional subject. Everything I say has to lead to me being too tired to function or not being able to think straight. Apparently I'm always the one who is lacking sleep and is so busy and needs to get my priorities straight. Has it ever occurred to you that you could be the same way?

It begins with one thing, something on a happy note and ends with another in a disappointing, angry tone. (see what I did there?)

I really wish I had a lock on my door. I wish I could just for a couple hours and not have to deal with the horrible suspense that you could pop in any moment you want to "talk to me" and by that, I mean talk at me. I try to say something, you twist it around until it becomes something you want me to say. I end up saying it just to satisfy your needs. And still you wonder why I have the hardest time speaking to you.

Unlike my sister, I have a lot more trouble speaking fully from the heart with you. With others I find it quite easy, but with you, it is absolutely difficult if not, impossible.

Faking Feelings

I feel like I have to give them an answer even though I don't have one. Most of the times, I just end up making something up, simply to make them feel better. I don't think they'll understand. They never had to answer so many questions and all the ones they have answered were the truth. I feel like I'm living a lie. I don't know if they will ever see or accept who I am. Are they capable of realizing that I can't explain my feelings? to anyone? I can barely explain it to myself.. How am I supposed to be able to explain something I don't even understand?

If I don't understand, they think something's wrong so they ask. If I look tired, they think something deeper is going on so they ask. If I accidentally respond with the honest truth that they don't expect, they think something's wrong. Whatever I say, something will be wrong. I get that sometimes the things they ask are to care for me but it gets to the point that their care becomes an over-protectiveness. A sense of clinging, not letting go. A serious lack of trust. Sometimes, I would rather them not care at all. If you continue to do what you're doing, I won't be able to grow up. I won't be able to do things on my own because I am forced to always rely on someone else. I can never gain my true independence. I will be clingy and protective. Most of those things are already true so, please, stop before it's too late. I am meant to change, to make mistakes, and grow from them but if you won't let me mess up, how am I supposed to learn? If you shield me from hardship, what will I become? If all I worry about is making sure I'm safe, what can I learn? Please, I'm begging you, let me go.