Halloweenie

Here's a quick post:

It's Halloween tomorrow and I have nothing to do except for homework. Right now I am doing homework and I am extremely bored out of my mind. I had an awesome time on Friday after school when I actually went to the mall without adult supervision for the first time. *gasp* (I know right?) But I had a bomb time with my friends and I think I can finally call them my best friends now. I also met a new potential friend the same day. Life is good and whatever happens I'll get over it. =]

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***this is a post where i start to vent and let out all my anger and feelings about myself but the beginnings ok still. I'll warn you when the other stuff come.****

It's too bad parents will never know what I've learned about parenting. But since a couple of weeks ago I have been trying to compile "tips" of better parenting. Of course they are based on my experiences but unfortunately if my parents were to ever get a hold of these tips, well, they probably would be very offended so what's the point of telling them anyway?

So my point is, that the examples for these tips is building up and I actually now have more than one supporting idea for my #3 tip:

Parenting Lesson #3

Do NOT go out of your way to help your child. Do NOT create more work for yourself. Do NOT try to be extra helpful because in the end sometimes it is no use. Your child might not be satisfied and neither will you be.

I usually post it on Tumblr but today, I actually have an example!

Location: The car - here's what happened

As a mother she decides to go out and buy me some food because I did not have lunch yet and it was almost 4 or something like that so she stops by a very poplar fast food chain while I'm practicing for a dance. Of course, she knows that I've been trying extremely hard to build healthy eating habits and so she buys chicken nuggets (healthy right?)(that's sarcasm). She thought it would be easiest for me to eat while i was practicing. I thought it was very kind of her and appreciated her efforts. Unfortunately, I don't think she realized, that every single time I bit into the nugget, I wanted to cry. I felt like such a fat-a**. My little sister felt the same "disgust" about nuggets as I did and it hurt so much more because she couldn't even look at me when I was eating. I got to the 5th and I had to stop. I just couldn't do it. How was I supposed to tell my mom that I appreciated her effort while telling how horrible I felt without her getting offended? I was stuck.

So what did I do? I asked my lil sis if I was really that disgusting? and she said no, but nuggets are. Mom just had to hear the last thing she said and that's how it started. So, it was me, who felt bad because I couldn't the food she tried so hard to get for me and my little sister who felt is was unfair that she got in trouble for saying nuggets were disgusting and my mom offended and probably "feeling like the bad guy" when she was only trying to help.

***The below is all about my feelings and I just wrote it cause I needed to let it out somewhere and I can't do it on paper cuz then I'd have to burn it but I can't use fire.*****

I cannot explain to her or my dad that I hate how I am now, and am trying as hard as I can, despite school getting in the way, to eat better, look better, feel, better and try to be a better person all at the same time. It's a big burden to carry and I am trying but unsuccessfully. I don't like eating in front of people for one, and it's even worse when my own sister can't even look me in the face and is disgusted that I'm eating right next to her. (Not mad at her and it's not her fault at all because I completely understand her reasoning.) So after the parents ask why I don't like nuggets and cheeseburgers so much, I have to tell them because they are filled with preservatives and are just about the worst thing I could eat. Before church while I was in the car with my mom, she already asked me if I wanted anything after from the fast food chain so of course I hesitate because I just don't really like eating there.If i do, I get a side salad and a snack wrap, or a chicken sandwich. She already knows that and she knows I have been trying to be better about what foods to eat but her reasoning for nuggets was so I could eat while I'm dancing. I DO NOT EAT while I am dancing unless I wanted to choke. No offense, but I have no idea why anyone would eat while dancing unless they were starving to death. Even dad tried to tell her it that I would be fine without food but being the kind mother who always tries to think for others, she went and bought me chicken nuggets. Just about the worst thing for me to eat.

***It gets worse here so I'm warning you now.***

I HATE being a fat-a**. What's the point of having a big bust when every single other body part is even bigger. I HATE that when some people talk to me they can't look me in the eyes and say it to my face. Ok, I get it, I'm not easy to look at but could you just have the common decency to look somewhere other than my chest, like maybe my FACE. Even though most people do make eye contact, I cannot help to think that they are actually trying to concentrate on eye contact because it's hard to look at my face. I swear to you I am trying very hard to be myself but I just cannot get a grip on what I'm really feeling. I hate that I grow out of clothes so fast because my stupid upper body and my huge thighs. I just want it to all go away! but it won't. It seems liek the harder I try, the worse it gets. I swear I don't even eat that much and if i do, it's probably at a buffet and even then I eat a sald first and small portions of everything else. Why did this have to happen to me?? There is no such thing as a fat asian girl. That's just not normal. I don't think anyone really understands what I'm feeling cause they never had to deal with that. I doubt there will be a day when I meet someone who has to go throuhg the same feelings I feel every day. It's even harder because i'm trying to help others feel better about themselves when I don't like me very much. Life is so difficult sometimes all I can do is cry. Even though I despise it very much. *sigh* "Is anybody there? Does anybody care?"

The one and only,

-Joodie