Endless Emptiness

How can such an entertaining day, filled with laughter and fun just die once I step into my home. My house. I am no longer connected to this place. All I see; all I feel is far away. This room is not my room, this chair is not my chair. Not even this desktop is mine. All I have are my thoughts, my words. This might not even be my body because honestly, it feels too empty. This is not my house. Not my home. Home. Stream of consciousness. Too bad I don't have the skill of translating thoughts into words. Privacy does not exist, for I only have two things that are truly mine. Those two things are the only things I can keep because no one can understand either of them. Thoughts. Words. Emotionless yet filled with emotion. Without feeling yet burdened with many feelings. Empty but filled. With holes.

If left alone, I can let it out. If interrupted, everything is just suppressed and suppression always occurs too soon. I'm lost in the past and the present and the future. Where am I? Who am I? Why am I? I'm lost.

Emotional Endings

I can't even try to arrange getting a ride without the conversation turning into an emotional subject. Everything I say has to lead to me being too tired to function or not being able to think straight. Apparently I'm always the one who is lacking sleep and is so busy and needs to get my priorities straight. Has it ever occurred to you that you could be the same way?

It begins with one thing, something on a happy note and ends with another in a disappointing, angry tone. (see what I did there?)

I really wish I had a lock on my door. I wish I could just for a couple hours and not have to deal with the horrible suspense that you could pop in any moment you want to "talk to me" and by that, I mean talk at me. I try to say something, you twist it around until it becomes something you want me to say. I end up saying it just to satisfy your needs. And still you wonder why I have the hardest time speaking to you.

Unlike my sister, I have a lot more trouble speaking fully from the heart with you. With others I find it quite easy, but with you, it is absolutely difficult if not, impossible.

Faking Feelings

I feel like I have to give them an answer even though I don't have one. Most of the times, I just end up making something up, simply to make them feel better. I don't think they'll understand. They never had to answer so many questions and all the ones they have answered were the truth. I feel like I'm living a lie. I don't know if they will ever see or accept who I am. Are they capable of realizing that I can't explain my feelings? to anyone? I can barely explain it to myself.. How am I supposed to be able to explain something I don't even understand?

If I don't understand, they think something's wrong so they ask. If I look tired, they think something deeper is going on so they ask. If I accidentally respond with the honest truth that they don't expect, they think something's wrong. Whatever I say, something will be wrong. I get that sometimes the things they ask are to care for me but it gets to the point that their care becomes an over-protectiveness. A sense of clinging, not letting go. A serious lack of trust. Sometimes, I would rather them not care at all. If you continue to do what you're doing, I won't be able to grow up. I won't be able to do things on my own because I am forced to always rely on someone else. I can never gain my true independence. I will be clingy and protective. Most of those things are already true so, please, stop before it's too late. I am meant to change, to make mistakes, and grow from them but if you won't let me mess up, how am I supposed to learn? If you shield me from hardship, what will I become? If all I worry about is making sure I'm safe, what can I learn? Please, I'm begging you, let me go.

Unearthing Things Underneath

Even when I try to work it out I lose it.
(7:11:52 PM) me: it sucks even more cause it happens at dinner and there goes my appetite
(7:12:34 PM) me: the only thing I can do to stop myself is to stuff the food down my throat so that I don't talk but when i do that I get all grossed out with myself

(7:16:07 PM) me: lol i actually ran around the house going whoo!
(7:16:28 PM) me: cause my grade went up to a B- but I guess i never told them what i had before
(7:16:51 PM) me: they seemed mildly approving
(7:17:25 PM) me: but i had to recover from my rejoicing within the second i told them cause they started asking how i got there in the first place
(7:18:06 PM) me: and then he was all when's your final? next week? I better help you study. You better manage your time. study hard.
(7:19:17 PM) me: For one thing, I have told them about my grade and I told them I would fix it. Second, they know I study hard yet they insist on saying it as if I was doing nothing all day long
(7:20:09 PM) me: Third, they know i struggle with chem and it wasn't fair for them to knock me down right when i got back on the stupid horse
(7:22:18 PM) me: yea and then I got over that after i went back to my room
(7:22:25 PM) me: then it was dinner time.
(7:23:01 PM) me: this weekend my old school had its church carnival and my mom was captain of a vietnamese food booth
(7:23:33 PM) me: it was our first year doing it and my dad worked as an "overseer" to make sure our "system" of serving was good
(7:23:45 PM) me: he asked us today what bothered us so we told him
(7:24:11 PM) me: he's sensitive so every time we said something he had to defend it wiht a response
(7:25:01 PM) me: then I told him about a couple circumstances and all he kept saying were ways i could improve not how the other person would
(7:25:26 PM) me: it made it sound like it was my fault even though i know he never inteneded it to be that way
(7:26:36 PM) me: then I said that if he needed to say something to the orderers about something, he could say it generally instead of individually because we could all hear it and didn't need to hear it twice
(7:27:44 PM) me: he said he did that because he wanted to show that an adult was in charge and because people think teenagers don't know what they're doing
(7:27:56 PM) me: that was the kick
(7:28:02 PM) me: really hard in the face
(7:28:37 PM) me: in the past, i had issues with knowing wether or not he trusted me
(7:29:06 PM) me: and in the past i had confirmed that it was just the other people around me he didn't trust
(7:29:37 PM) me: but in recent events, i know now he doesn't trust me and even if he says he does, I don't think i'll believe him
(7:30:09 PM) me: right now i'm not as upset,
(7:30:18 PM) me: but I am hurt.

The worst part is, they don't see how hard I try and I know they only mean well, but in the end, I don't have the heart to tell them that it seems to be causing more damage.

Me and My Music

I like to pretend that I have a very broad knowledge of music...but actually, I am very limited. It's not because I'm particular in music tastes, I am actually very open when it come to music, I just haven't had enough exposure yet. I think it's about time to start exploring and expanding.

Music. Lately, I have had strong feelings of spontaneous dancing. A big part of it has to do with the type of music appearing on the radio. At least half of the top songs have some type of dancing beat and I cannot help but to dance. Unfortunately, my dancing skills are not so great so I only dance in the dark or in my room..with the door closed. I would love to go to a dance soon and I hope after the play is over, I can go to one because it's about time.

Aside from that, I need to add more songs onto my iPod. I have at least 3 iTunes cards lying around my room in different places and I should probably use them. I also should transfer the music to my iPod instead of just leaving it on my iTunes.

Well, still got things to do so gotta get a move on.

Freshman can suck it.

The status of my week just changed form ecstatic to under the weather.

Stupid freshman don't even know who I am. And all they can do is poke fun cause they think its cool? Yea, well, get a life! You probably want to know what happened right?

One of my best friends Jessica had this yellow balloon and we were hitting each other with it because it was amusing. I find balloons extremely entertaining and that balloon was the only thing that kept me from leaving my last class. School is finally over and I walk back to my locker with another friend. Of course, the balloon was in my hand so I threw it up and the wind decided to carry it away. It didn't have helium in it but I let it go when I was walking up the stairs. By now, I am officially in little kid at a candy shop mode and I go "My Balloon!!" As it drifted away towards the ground, I walked away thinking about where it would fly to next. Maybe off campus and some little kid would pick it up and smile. But maybe when he leaned down to pick it up the ice cream in his hand fell off the cone.

Anyway I thought it was pretty funny how entertained I was and how much I sounded like a 4 year old when I lost the balloon. I walk towards my car to go home and the stupid freshmen behind yell out "My Balloon!" half of them laughing at the others. Yes they were making fun of me but what did I do? Nothing. I really wanted to turn around and...........nevermind.....I pretended to ignore them and got in the car as they continued to yell out and laugh with each other.

My highlight of the day just turned into a very very lowpoint. Thanks freshmen.

I hope you have a wonderful life with no one to laugh at you when you try to be yourself. You taught me how to ruin a strangers life. Thanks.

Imperfection in Impressions

Let's say you knew someone older than you by about 4 years. Let's say when you first met her, she was bubbly, confident, open, humble, responsible, cute. She has everything you wished you had and could serve as an excellent role model of how to live a successful life without regret. Let's say from the moment you knew her name, you observed her to see everything she was doing right so you could take notes and perhaps, by a one in a million chance, follow in her fruitful footsteps. She spoke to adults extremely well, she made friends with any and every person she met, she was commended for her respectful, responsible ways, she lived her day not caring what anyone else thought about her...But then, she did not care about what anyone else said either. Her presence in the room was overpowering. As soon as she stepped in, she was the boss. She was the only person who mattered and all eyes and ears were automatically fixed to focus directly on her. Any attempt of resistance only strengthened her dictatorial powers. She spoke. Her words traveled at lightning speed straight through our bodies and arrived with herculean force. Every syllable rang through the air, our focus still forced towards her. Every consonant attacked our minds ceasing any train of thoughts that were forming. Every vowel pierced through our hearts crushing out any will to object, or even comment, about her opinions. The moment she left, the rest of the discussion continued, as if nothing had happened. Was I really the only one who felt the way that I did? Could anyone else hear the overbearing tone that spilled out of her mouth? Did ANYONE understand what she just did? I thought she was ideal. The perfect person to look up to. The one the adults would compare you with. The girl that you always dreamed to be. That's who I thought she was. Unfortunately, she realized what all the adults said about her. She took in all the compliments, the praise, the approval. She built a wall, high and mighty, that always stood in front of her. The words she spoke were purely to benefit her reputation. "All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head." She took her strengths to the next level, her goal: to raise her reputation and reinforce her wall. She forgot about the things that mattered to anyone else and left their thoughts, emotions, feelings locked up in a small jar tucked deep beneath the foundations of her wall. She deserted me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's quite a disappointment to find that first impressions sometimes may be completely opposite to a person's true characteristics. The things, so precious and so dear, lost in between the two different people within one person. Sometimes, realization leads to losses, and losses trigger emotions, and emotions cause deep thinking processes. A prominent part of this girl is her realization of her reputation, her realization, too, that she was humble about it. Humility. She lost her humility because she realized what it was doing for her. Her facade showed an innocent, beautiful girl, kind to all, and accomplished. Because she knew this, she utilized her knowledge to become a bossy (Back) itch never able to be reached. That is the story of first impressions, of reputation, of reality.