2-0-1-4, Give Me More

A year in review of 2013 can be compared to my favorite roller coaster, the Silver Bullet.  It came with many twists and turns, loops, and of course the unexpected drops but it kept on going and sped through the more-challenging-to-handle parts.  Just like the suspended coaster, I felt my feet dangling through the air, whether it was because I was lost and didn't feel any support or it meant I was completely euphoric and floating through the atmosphere.

If there was one thing I can say was the number one factor causing this crazy ride, it was the number of people I met, became friends with, worked with, partied with, and even those lost.  it's incredible to realize just how many people can affect your life in just one year. Normally I base my life on the academic calendar; priorities you know? But after looking at this year from January 1st to December 31st, I cannot believe all the events that occurred could have taken place in the course of one year.  I've met the most people I ever have this year, I've lost the most this year, I've experienced the most this year, but most importantly, I learned the most this year.

I now have a footing in the Theatre and Dance Department.

1. For Colored Girls (ASM)
2. Duck Variations (first time stage managing)
3. Choreographer's Gallery (first dance show)
4. Hansel and Gretel (lighting operator - double spot light)
5. Vocal Juries (voice development and performance)
6. Theater, Dance, and Music classes (my love of singing, acting, and dancing)

I've continued to work with children and my love for the little ones continues to grow.

1. Hayden Summer Camp (Summer 2013 volunteer)
2. ASTEP Sacred Heart (assistant teacher for enrichment time)

All while maintaining a good GPA and dealing with boys on and off throughout the year.  I now know how to meet boys the same way I meet girls.  I struggled through many "forever alone," "I'm not good enough," "I'm not attractive/skinny enough," "I'm too weird/crazy" thoughts.  Granted, I am stuck in some sort of situation with all those and more, I've experienced acceptance, care, love, and friendship, that keeps me going forward.  No matter the amount of times some boy leads me on and drops me, I keep in mind that even though he made me happy, he doesn't determine my happiness and that's up to me.  I am so grateful for my girls and their continuous support and reminders that I'll find someone even if it's just for a while, I will find someone or they'll find me.  

So 2014, I'm not sure what you have in store for me, but I think this past year has prepared me well.  Bring on the hurt and the pain, I know I can take it now.  Bring on the ecstatic happiness because that's what everyone deserves, including me.  Give me more experiences to learn from, mistakes included, but more times to do it right.  Give me more people, or the same people just to know them better.  Give me all the blessing I have received this past year times ten.  Give me more love because I have so much more love to give.

Year One

Year one college life was a success. It was fun, exciting, new, different, and filled with just the right amounts of stress, challenges, and even mistakes.  I learned so much more about myself, about living, about teaching, about communication, about dancing, about singing, about acting, about friendship.  I experienced the independence so infamously spoken of when referring to college living.  I had freedom with the only limit being a lack of a car but the public transportation supported me the ways through, not to mention my legs.
I basically got to do everything I ever wanted with wonderful people and I never stopped meeting new people. I was so hopeful.  Fall quarter, check. Winter came and went. Spring quarter, year one complete.

And then came summer.
So grateful for the end of one very accomplished and memorable school year and looking forward to the long break that was to come including beach trips, camping, family, and old friends.  It all happened and I thought I was happy at least for the first two months but both times there was something inside that just kept coming back.  It was subtle at first like a little tick and then it became in itch.  From there it grew and then shrunk. At times I even thought it may have disappeared completely but alas, it would return.  Beginning, I'm not exactly sure where but it was either a pit in my stomach, or was it my heart; probably both.  A small hole, a peep, just a speck. But it continued and the hole got larger. It became a deep abyss, a void that needed to be filled.  For a couple days the inner feeling became physical and I considered the possibility of having burst organ.  That of course was just me being dramatic. But the physical soon subsided and yet what was left was an even bigger gap that seemed to extend as the days passed.

The two days of the beach trip and this last weekend were the greatest reliefs. For just a second I thought it would be okay, that the separation was gone and I was whole again.  Little did I know, it was a teaser.  I've got that summertime sadness.  This past weekend was probably the best one this whole summer.  The excitement at felt at the beginning of the year came back and it was a wonderful 3 days.  But again, just like that, it all left me.  My friends that I won't see for probably another year left and I left.  It was fun while it lasted but this time, the goodbyes didn't seem like enough.  It hurts so much more even though I've done this same meeting and leaving before.

I'm not sure why it was so much more difficult this time but I have some possible responses as to why.

1. I learned to appreciate friendship much  more this year with the sudden death of a fellow student.  I didn't know him personally but I knew people who did and it hurt just the same.  After that, may he rest in peace, I learned to love my friends in a way I never knew how to before.  
2. I became more honest, with others and myself.  I opened up to be vulnerable even with the risk of getting hurt.  I loved people so much more and I kept in mind this saying "It is better to have loved and hurt, then never to have loved at all."
3. I was more confident and more me. So when I saw my people again, it was really me and not just some girl putting up a front to impress others.  I also wasn't as insecure constantly worrying they thought I was annoying.  For once, I felt like they truly missed me and were happy to see me and not just out of pity or cause they wanted to be nice.
4. I felt comfortable again like I did at the university, without a mask when surrounded by them, not the way I acted around my family because I had to hold up expectations.  

Because of this though, I felt guilty and like I had been and still am living a double life. I thought I was a two faced female dog and I felt horrible.  After talking to my mom, she reassured me that acting different around family versus friends is completely normal.  There's still this sinking feeling inside though and I don't like it.  I want to be alone in my room in my head but I also want to be surrounded by my friends I know and love.  It could be that I just need my freedom once again, or that I need a new group of people to surround myself with but whatever the answer, I need it soon before I get too absorbed in my thoughts and I implode.  

After these observations, I can see how much I've changed within the past year.  I am a different person but still the same.  This is probably the closest I've got to finding out who I really am and because of my new perspectives, things change and I change...Or do I stay the same, just with certain traits more amplified than before, after all, the feelings had to start from somewhere.  I went from a naive girl who said she didn't like "Asian boys" because she thought they were all like K-pop stars, to a young adult who is more than willing to accept love and friendship from whoever comes along.  She doesn't want to fall into those stereotypes or fall for them either.  She's above that now and she knows better.  

                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have so much love to give. I just need someone to give it to.  It would be nice to have that one person who feels the same way I do, that can share with me a special kind of love, not a lust or passion, but honest and true love. One best friend I can come to at any moments notice and one who sees me the same way.  Take me, I'm at your disposal.  I know I over-think things almost all the time and it makes me crazy, but it's because I'm so scared something won't turn out right and I'll be left alone.  I don't think I can live alone but I know there are so many people who love me and care for me but why is it so important that I have to have one more special one. One.  

Wonderful World

Today was too much wonderful to handle!

I got a position assistant managing for the Spring 2013 production of "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf"

I got the opportunity to sit in on the other auditioners' callbacks and it was probably one of the most amazing theatre experiences in my life.  Everybody in this Theatre and Dance Department is so talented and wonderful.  I am making my way into the performing arts community and it overjoys me tremendously. I met multiple wonderful people today, the stage manager himself, the director/professor/wonderful man, and SO MUCH TALENT. I am literally mind blown.

I also got complemented. More than once. "You did so good." "I enjoyed your dancing." "I saw you perform today, it was really good!" "You're really pretty...but actually though." There are not enough words to describe what I am feeling at this current moment. It is like a giant heaping of catharsis and rainbows. I am full of wonder. Literally, all I can say is "wow." And thank you my dear Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Contemplating College

I just had a thought. In the middle of reading A Tempest by Aime Cesaire, (I don't know why it was during this book, maybe a phrase or the idea of freedom hinted something) I realized that the reason I am going to school is to learn.  Well, obviously that's what education is for but I seemed to have lost my understanding of school and it's importance.  All my life, at least that I know of, I have studied to get good grades.  The sole purpose for expanding my knowledge was to gather enough information in order to help me pass the High School Placement Test, SAT's, the AP's, or the next final.  In middle school, I had to get good grades in order to be accepted into high school.  In high school, I had to get good grades to get accepted into college.  In college, I have to get good grades to graduate, get credentials, and then get a job.  But what happens after that? There's no more point to earn an A because who is going to give it to you? It does not matter that you get the right mark on your transcript.  Ultimately, it matters what you learn.  It matters that you can take the material given to you, provided for you, and learn it, understand it, appreciate it.  So what if you get a B on the midterm! Did you learn something new, something valuable?  That's what's really important.
The point of college is to find out something you enjoy learning and wrap your head around it exploring all the possibilities out there and all the things that relate to what you love.  Your passions, your joys, your convictions, your values.  Take it all and absorb it into your brain.  Use every fiber of your being to understand and take it in, to create and imagine, to comprehend and share.  That is why I am in college, to learn. To take what I learn and share it with those around me.  To learn to do what I love and love what I do.
Amidst the transition from high school to college, I got caught up in trying to settle in and fit in with the world around me but I forgot about the purpose for being here in the first place.  Not to say that this is me taking away any fun, it's just a reevaluation of perspective.  This way, I can see all the work I do as a way to improve myself, mind, body, heart, and spirit.

Summer-sault!

Hello World!

Guess who it is? It's Judy, that's right, the new me. The motivated, happy, giggly, confident, fun, silly, weird, caring, wild child that has been locked up in a high tower waiting to be rescued. But you know what? I got tired of waiting so I decided it was time for me to find my own way out.  After 4 years of hiding behind the window curtains, I grew tired of asking for sympathy and attention. I refused to be a victim of middle-child syndrome or live up to my stick-thin Asian girl stereotype.  I jumped out of the window and scaled the tower wall ready for my adventure.  I met a nice red-head half way down the tower but I decided that I did not need rescuing and he decided that he wanted someone to rescue so I made a new friend and continued down the tower wall.  Once I reached the bottom, the floor became much more stable.  I found my dear friends, Alex, Sofi, Macy, Jessica, and even Natalia waiting for me not knowing that all along, they knew I would somehow get out of that high tower.  Together, we walked down the Rose Heath aisle, diplomas in one hand and flowers in the other.  [I even got a little rebellious and switched the position of the flowers just so I could hold hands with Jena as we said our final high school goodbye.  Although, we were only paired up because of height, I couldn't have asked for a better person to walk by my side, none other than our own Senior Class President.]  I gathered up all my knowledge from these past years and I continued to walk on towards the summer and straight to the Pacific Beach where  I fell in love with the salty ocean air and the cool breeze that moved with me wherever I traveled.  I walked and walked and ran and walked absorbing all of my surroundings during that one glorious week, never forgetting that I was ready to g out into the world and make an impact on the lives of others.  I brought along a change of fashion and one of mind, might I add, and I became the new me.

Now it is time to continue my journey.  Although Alex, Sofi, Macy, Jess, and Nata, my beloved group must spread throughout the different regions of California, we are all still in Cali and we have all agreed to share in each others' adventures.  From now on, I promise to do what makes me happy, so long as I also make those around me happy.  I vow to maintain my confidence and motivation as I walk off my extra layers to fit into a size small bridesmaid dress.  I agree to be nothing but myself and I look forward to the obstacles, but more importantly, adventures that cross my path.

Hello, again, World and lookout because Judy is here.

Stationary Status

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from everyone and everything. But then I want someone to find me and comfort me without me having to ask. Even more than both of those, though, I want someone who will actually do that for me.

In my current life, the closest equivalent to the sheltered hole would be my room, however, my room does not provide the privacy of my own little cave. I do not have a best friend since childhood that I can run to any time I need their company; Nor do I have a significant other willing to go out of his way to be with me. My room is more of a trap than an escape. Sure I have my laptop, internet, and music, but they all come with other constraints and unpredictable barging in of unwanted company.

I am stuck. I need to get out. I need someone to pull me out then take me with them on an adventure. But for now, I need to sleep.

Purpose? Possible? Plunge.

Musical Theatre Major? yeah right. I can sing and I can act but I can't dance. I love to sing, I love to act, and I love to dance. But dancing's always been a challenge, a challenge I look forward to, but a challenge nonetheless. If I withdraw, that's a waste of $70 and that's quite a lot for an application. I am now almost completely discouraged by those audition requirements. My goal: become a teacher. elementary school teacher. My dream: Perform on stage, singing, and acting, and dancing and teaching others the beauty of performing. I have no idea if that is really possible. Partly cause I'm Asian but that is only one setback. I don't have dancing shoes and I don't know what dancing attire is! How did I ever think I could do this? I am at a loss of what to do. I just want to run away and hide.

Endless Emptiness

How can such an entertaining day, filled with laughter and fun just die once I step into my home. My house. I am no longer connected to this place. All I see; all I feel is far away. This room is not my room, this chair is not my chair. Not even this desktop is mine. All I have are my thoughts, my words. This might not even be my body because honestly, it feels too empty. This is not my house. Not my home. Home. Stream of consciousness. Too bad I don't have the skill of translating thoughts into words. Privacy does not exist, for I only have two things that are truly mine. Those two things are the only things I can keep because no one can understand either of them. Thoughts. Words. Emotionless yet filled with emotion. Without feeling yet burdened with many feelings. Empty but filled. With holes.

If left alone, I can let it out. If interrupted, everything is just suppressed and suppression always occurs too soon. I'm lost in the past and the present and the future. Where am I? Who am I? Why am I? I'm lost.

Emotional Endings

I can't even try to arrange getting a ride without the conversation turning into an emotional subject. Everything I say has to lead to me being too tired to function or not being able to think straight. Apparently I'm always the one who is lacking sleep and is so busy and needs to get my priorities straight. Has it ever occurred to you that you could be the same way?

It begins with one thing, something on a happy note and ends with another in a disappointing, angry tone. (see what I did there?)

I really wish I had a lock on my door. I wish I could just for a couple hours and not have to deal with the horrible suspense that you could pop in any moment you want to "talk to me" and by that, I mean talk at me. I try to say something, you twist it around until it becomes something you want me to say. I end up saying it just to satisfy your needs. And still you wonder why I have the hardest time speaking to you.

Unlike my sister, I have a lot more trouble speaking fully from the heart with you. With others I find it quite easy, but with you, it is absolutely difficult if not, impossible.

Faking Feelings

I feel like I have to give them an answer even though I don't have one. Most of the times, I just end up making something up, simply to make them feel better. I don't think they'll understand. They never had to answer so many questions and all the ones they have answered were the truth. I feel like I'm living a lie. I don't know if they will ever see or accept who I am. Are they capable of realizing that I can't explain my feelings? to anyone? I can barely explain it to myself.. How am I supposed to be able to explain something I don't even understand?

If I don't understand, they think something's wrong so they ask. If I look tired, they think something deeper is going on so they ask. If I accidentally respond with the honest truth that they don't expect, they think something's wrong. Whatever I say, something will be wrong. I get that sometimes the things they ask are to care for me but it gets to the point that their care becomes an over-protectiveness. A sense of clinging, not letting go. A serious lack of trust. Sometimes, I would rather them not care at all. If you continue to do what you're doing, I won't be able to grow up. I won't be able to do things on my own because I am forced to always rely on someone else. I can never gain my true independence. I will be clingy and protective. Most of those things are already true so, please, stop before it's too late. I am meant to change, to make mistakes, and grow from them but if you won't let me mess up, how am I supposed to learn? If you shield me from hardship, what will I become? If all I worry about is making sure I'm safe, what can I learn? Please, I'm begging you, let me go.

Unearthing Things Underneath

Even when I try to work it out I lose it.
(7:11:52 PM) me: it sucks even more cause it happens at dinner and there goes my appetite
(7:12:34 PM) me: the only thing I can do to stop myself is to stuff the food down my throat so that I don't talk but when i do that I get all grossed out with myself

(7:16:07 PM) me: lol i actually ran around the house going whoo!
(7:16:28 PM) me: cause my grade went up to a B- but I guess i never told them what i had before
(7:16:51 PM) me: they seemed mildly approving
(7:17:25 PM) me: but i had to recover from my rejoicing within the second i told them cause they started asking how i got there in the first place
(7:18:06 PM) me: and then he was all when's your final? next week? I better help you study. You better manage your time. study hard.
(7:19:17 PM) me: For one thing, I have told them about my grade and I told them I would fix it. Second, they know I study hard yet they insist on saying it as if I was doing nothing all day long
(7:20:09 PM) me: Third, they know i struggle with chem and it wasn't fair for them to knock me down right when i got back on the stupid horse
(7:22:18 PM) me: yea and then I got over that after i went back to my room
(7:22:25 PM) me: then it was dinner time.
(7:23:01 PM) me: this weekend my old school had its church carnival and my mom was captain of a vietnamese food booth
(7:23:33 PM) me: it was our first year doing it and my dad worked as an "overseer" to make sure our "system" of serving was good
(7:23:45 PM) me: he asked us today what bothered us so we told him
(7:24:11 PM) me: he's sensitive so every time we said something he had to defend it wiht a response
(7:25:01 PM) me: then I told him about a couple circumstances and all he kept saying were ways i could improve not how the other person would
(7:25:26 PM) me: it made it sound like it was my fault even though i know he never inteneded it to be that way
(7:26:36 PM) me: then I said that if he needed to say something to the orderers about something, he could say it generally instead of individually because we could all hear it and didn't need to hear it twice
(7:27:44 PM) me: he said he did that because he wanted to show that an adult was in charge and because people think teenagers don't know what they're doing
(7:27:56 PM) me: that was the kick
(7:28:02 PM) me: really hard in the face
(7:28:37 PM) me: in the past, i had issues with knowing wether or not he trusted me
(7:29:06 PM) me: and in the past i had confirmed that it was just the other people around me he didn't trust
(7:29:37 PM) me: but in recent events, i know now he doesn't trust me and even if he says he does, I don't think i'll believe him
(7:30:09 PM) me: right now i'm not as upset,
(7:30:18 PM) me: but I am hurt.

The worst part is, they don't see how hard I try and I know they only mean well, but in the end, I don't have the heart to tell them that it seems to be causing more damage.

Me and My Music

I like to pretend that I have a very broad knowledge of music...but actually, I am very limited. It's not because I'm particular in music tastes, I am actually very open when it come to music, I just haven't had enough exposure yet. I think it's about time to start exploring and expanding.

Music. Lately, I have had strong feelings of spontaneous dancing. A big part of it has to do with the type of music appearing on the radio. At least half of the top songs have some type of dancing beat and I cannot help but to dance. Unfortunately, my dancing skills are not so great so I only dance in the dark or in my room..with the door closed. I would love to go to a dance soon and I hope after the play is over, I can go to one because it's about time.

Aside from that, I need to add more songs onto my iPod. I have at least 3 iTunes cards lying around my room in different places and I should probably use them. I also should transfer the music to my iPod instead of just leaving it on my iTunes.

Well, still got things to do so gotta get a move on.

Freshman can suck it.

The status of my week just changed form ecstatic to under the weather.

Stupid freshman don't even know who I am. And all they can do is poke fun cause they think its cool? Yea, well, get a life! You probably want to know what happened right?

One of my best friends Jessica had this yellow balloon and we were hitting each other with it because it was amusing. I find balloons extremely entertaining and that balloon was the only thing that kept me from leaving my last class. School is finally over and I walk back to my locker with another friend. Of course, the balloon was in my hand so I threw it up and the wind decided to carry it away. It didn't have helium in it but I let it go when I was walking up the stairs. By now, I am officially in little kid at a candy shop mode and I go "My Balloon!!" As it drifted away towards the ground, I walked away thinking about where it would fly to next. Maybe off campus and some little kid would pick it up and smile. But maybe when he leaned down to pick it up the ice cream in his hand fell off the cone.

Anyway I thought it was pretty funny how entertained I was and how much I sounded like a 4 year old when I lost the balloon. I walk towards my car to go home and the stupid freshmen behind yell out "My Balloon!" half of them laughing at the others. Yes they were making fun of me but what did I do? Nothing. I really wanted to turn around and...........nevermind.....I pretended to ignore them and got in the car as they continued to yell out and laugh with each other.

My highlight of the day just turned into a very very lowpoint. Thanks freshmen.

I hope you have a wonderful life with no one to laugh at you when you try to be yourself. You taught me how to ruin a strangers life. Thanks.

Imperfection in Impressions

Let's say you knew someone older than you by about 4 years. Let's say when you first met her, she was bubbly, confident, open, humble, responsible, cute. She has everything you wished you had and could serve as an excellent role model of how to live a successful life without regret. Let's say from the moment you knew her name, you observed her to see everything she was doing right so you could take notes and perhaps, by a one in a million chance, follow in her fruitful footsteps. She spoke to adults extremely well, she made friends with any and every person she met, she was commended for her respectful, responsible ways, she lived her day not caring what anyone else thought about her...But then, she did not care about what anyone else said either. Her presence in the room was overpowering. As soon as she stepped in, she was the boss. She was the only person who mattered and all eyes and ears were automatically fixed to focus directly on her. Any attempt of resistance only strengthened her dictatorial powers. She spoke. Her words traveled at lightning speed straight through our bodies and arrived with herculean force. Every syllable rang through the air, our focus still forced towards her. Every consonant attacked our minds ceasing any train of thoughts that were forming. Every vowel pierced through our hearts crushing out any will to object, or even comment, about her opinions. The moment she left, the rest of the discussion continued, as if nothing had happened. Was I really the only one who felt the way that I did? Could anyone else hear the overbearing tone that spilled out of her mouth? Did ANYONE understand what she just did? I thought she was ideal. The perfect person to look up to. The one the adults would compare you with. The girl that you always dreamed to be. That's who I thought she was. Unfortunately, she realized what all the adults said about her. She took in all the compliments, the praise, the approval. She built a wall, high and mighty, that always stood in front of her. The words she spoke were purely to benefit her reputation. "All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head." She took her strengths to the next level, her goal: to raise her reputation and reinforce her wall. She forgot about the things that mattered to anyone else and left their thoughts, emotions, feelings locked up in a small jar tucked deep beneath the foundations of her wall. She deserted me.

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It's quite a disappointment to find that first impressions sometimes may be completely opposite to a person's true characteristics. The things, so precious and so dear, lost in between the two different people within one person. Sometimes, realization leads to losses, and losses trigger emotions, and emotions cause deep thinking processes. A prominent part of this girl is her realization of her reputation, her realization, too, that she was humble about it. Humility. She lost her humility because she realized what it was doing for her. Her facade showed an innocent, beautiful girl, kind to all, and accomplished. Because she knew this, she utilized her knowledge to become a bossy (Back) itch never able to be reached. That is the story of first impressions, of reputation, of reality.

Chaos and Ca(cough)ony

Talk about the longest, most hectic, crazy two weeks in a row!

My school planner for the past two weeks is filled up. There's still room in the 1st week but the second one, there's literally no room left, barely even enough room in the margins. Teachers say they try to collaborate with each other to keep the tests, quizzes, essays, and projects due on different days, but from what happened the last two weeks, I doubt any communications go on with them. Unless, of course, it's planning to schedule due dates on all the same days. Thursday seemed to be their favorite day both last week and this week.

Week 1:

Thursday - AlgebraII Ch. 3 + 2.6 and 2.8 Test

- Chemistry quiz (ions)

- Religion Test Ch. 3

- English In-Class Essay

Week 2:

Wednesday - Ramona Service Fair

-AP US History in class essay

Thursday - AP US History Unit II Test

-identification terms due

- English Synthesis Essay due

-Religion Presentations (supposedly due today but gave extentions)

Friday - Chemistry Ch. 5 Test

Aside from the all the assignments, the service fair on Wednesday was rather successful. Father Greg Boyle came to speak to us and he was pretty funny. Unfortunately, for the girls who think they are more entertaining than the school assemblies, they missed out on this one. Compared to last years' service fair, it proved a huge success and a bunch more different service sites came this year, partly thanks to student council. Today, I was supposed to go to TN finally, but, I got sick. Most likely, I caught it form my sister, but I'm not blaming her. I figured my annual sickness time was coming right around the corner and sure enough it hit me! Thank goodness i am much better today or else I wouldn't be able to go to school or play practice. If i couldn't do play practice, I would be kicked off cause it's tech week this week and the next. Here comes another crazy two more weeks.

Halloweenie

Here's a quick post:

It's Halloween tomorrow and I have nothing to do except for homework. Right now I am doing homework and I am extremely bored out of my mind. I had an awesome time on Friday after school when I actually went to the mall without adult supervision for the first time. *gasp* (I know right?) But I had a bomb time with my friends and I think I can finally call them my best friends now. I also met a new potential friend the same day. Life is good and whatever happens I'll get over it. =]

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***this is a post where i start to vent and let out all my anger and feelings about myself but the beginnings ok still. I'll warn you when the other stuff come.****

It's too bad parents will never know what I've learned about parenting. But since a couple of weeks ago I have been trying to compile "tips" of better parenting. Of course they are based on my experiences but unfortunately if my parents were to ever get a hold of these tips, well, they probably would be very offended so what's the point of telling them anyway?

So my point is, that the examples for these tips is building up and I actually now have more than one supporting idea for my #3 tip:

Parenting Lesson #3

Do NOT go out of your way to help your child. Do NOT create more work for yourself. Do NOT try to be extra helpful because in the end sometimes it is no use. Your child might not be satisfied and neither will you be.

I usually post it on Tumblr but today, I actually have an example!

Location: The car - here's what happened

As a mother she decides to go out and buy me some food because I did not have lunch yet and it was almost 4 or something like that so she stops by a very poplar fast food chain while I'm practicing for a dance. Of course, she knows that I've been trying extremely hard to build healthy eating habits and so she buys chicken nuggets (healthy right?)(that's sarcasm). She thought it would be easiest for me to eat while i was practicing. I thought it was very kind of her and appreciated her efforts. Unfortunately, I don't think she realized, that every single time I bit into the nugget, I wanted to cry. I felt like such a fat-a**. My little sister felt the same "disgust" about nuggets as I did and it hurt so much more because she couldn't even look at me when I was eating. I got to the 5th and I had to stop. I just couldn't do it. How was I supposed to tell my mom that I appreciated her effort while telling how horrible I felt without her getting offended? I was stuck.

So what did I do? I asked my lil sis if I was really that disgusting? and she said no, but nuggets are. Mom just had to hear the last thing she said and that's how it started. So, it was me, who felt bad because I couldn't the food she tried so hard to get for me and my little sister who felt is was unfair that she got in trouble for saying nuggets were disgusting and my mom offended and probably "feeling like the bad guy" when she was only trying to help.

***The below is all about my feelings and I just wrote it cause I needed to let it out somewhere and I can't do it on paper cuz then I'd have to burn it but I can't use fire.*****

I cannot explain to her or my dad that I hate how I am now, and am trying as hard as I can, despite school getting in the way, to eat better, look better, feel, better and try to be a better person all at the same time. It's a big burden to carry and I am trying but unsuccessfully. I don't like eating in front of people for one, and it's even worse when my own sister can't even look me in the face and is disgusted that I'm eating right next to her. (Not mad at her and it's not her fault at all because I completely understand her reasoning.) So after the parents ask why I don't like nuggets and cheeseburgers so much, I have to tell them because they are filled with preservatives and are just about the worst thing I could eat. Before church while I was in the car with my mom, she already asked me if I wanted anything after from the fast food chain so of course I hesitate because I just don't really like eating there.If i do, I get a side salad and a snack wrap, or a chicken sandwich. She already knows that and she knows I have been trying to be better about what foods to eat but her reasoning for nuggets was so I could eat while I'm dancing. I DO NOT EAT while I am dancing unless I wanted to choke. No offense, but I have no idea why anyone would eat while dancing unless they were starving to death. Even dad tried to tell her it that I would be fine without food but being the kind mother who always tries to think for others, she went and bought me chicken nuggets. Just about the worst thing for me to eat.

***It gets worse here so I'm warning you now.***

I HATE being a fat-a**. What's the point of having a big bust when every single other body part is even bigger. I HATE that when some people talk to me they can't look me in the eyes and say it to my face. Ok, I get it, I'm not easy to look at but could you just have the common decency to look somewhere other than my chest, like maybe my FACE. Even though most people do make eye contact, I cannot help to think that they are actually trying to concentrate on eye contact because it's hard to look at my face. I swear to you I am trying very hard to be myself but I just cannot get a grip on what I'm really feeling. I hate that I grow out of clothes so fast because my stupid upper body and my huge thighs. I just want it to all go away! but it won't. It seems liek the harder I try, the worse it gets. I swear I don't even eat that much and if i do, it's probably at a buffet and even then I eat a sald first and small portions of everything else. Why did this have to happen to me?? There is no such thing as a fat asian girl. That's just not normal. I don't think anyone really understands what I'm feeling cause they never had to deal with that. I doubt there will be a day when I meet someone who has to go throuhg the same feelings I feel every day. It's even harder because i'm trying to help others feel better about themselves when I don't like me very much. Life is so difficult sometimes all I can do is cry. Even though I despise it very much. *sigh* "Is anybody there? Does anybody care?"

The one and only,

-Joodie

Bursting Brains

Bless me reader, for my patience has thinned, it's been 5 months since my last profession. These are my chagrins:

Over the past five months, I actually really wanted to and even once needed to write something down because, of course, I would never have gotten away with it if I ever said it out loud. At times, I have gotten so angry I had to just block everything out as much as I could. Whether it was popping in headphones and blasting the music, or closing my eyes and not say a word. I am so glad that I was able to control my actions (not making contact) then I start to think what could I have done? I'm pretty sure I'll never pull one of those Hercules rages (his were extremely severe and eventually caused him to slaughter his wife and kids) but still, what happens when feelings start to overflow?

Thank God for words. I always have a lot to say, the only thing is, I don't exactly know how to say it, when it's appropriate, and sometimes it gets to the point where I have no idea what to say. Partly because it depends on who I say it to.

I often think that if someone could tap into my brain and just pull out all the thoughts, they would know exactly what I meant all the time and it would just be so much easier! Then i start thinking if I could make it possible and then my imagination takes over. Thats probably the best thing that goes on in my head. Imagination. But you know what I hate? When I start making a song, with a brilliant melody and such clever lyrics, it's never convenient to write it down and so it gets lost in the back of my mind forever until something elicits it. (elicit: to draw out)

Oh my flaws!

I am sorry for my chagrins

In losing my patience

and failing to win

I have sinned against you

and still in search

of words to produce.

I firmly intend,

with the help of any friends

to make up for these things

and to love as I should.

(and make) Amends.

Not exactly what I had in mind but i guess it'll do. Back to school once again and disliking already. dear high school, will you just hurry up please?

A Break to Breathe

Well it has been a while since I've "had time" to write. Why, you ask, well that is for numerous reasons. The first and main reason would be the Spring Play. My average homework load takes a long time to finish but with the play, I couldn't get home 'til about eight at some times so I had long days filled with many things to do. Secondly, like I just said, my homework, which takes a lot of time. But back to the play...it was wonderfully hilarious! I had an awesome time and will never forget it. Now that it's over, I am extremely sad especially since it was the last play for some people (that I love so sooooo much!) I will miss them terribly. In fact, it seems that plays are one of the causes of certain emotional distress yet at the same time, they manage to release my tension.

Now aside form the play, the third quarter of school has just ended. I must say, that was extremely quick! That means there's only one more quarter left and that also means the AP exam is coming up way tooo fast. My whole class is anxious and no one thinks they're ready - not a good sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well i just had my feet washed and did some adoration for the end of the day. *breathe* ahh that feels nice. What a long day and I'm just about ready for another one. Watch out, here I come.

"*The day is done the winter sun,

is setting in its sullen sky...*"

But now it's spring let's have some fun,

and feel so free, let go and fly.

Now I can breathe, relax, and rest,

Without a worry, without care.

NO more quizzes, no more tests,

for a week, extremely rare.

Life is good and rather great.

Bring on the love, forget the hate.

-Josanna Reese

*quoted from Emily Bronte's At Castlewood*

Progressing Past Problems

Why her, why me?

Why did this have to be?

What went wrong?

Was it the song?

Was it the right one?

Has she really won?

Is the battle done?

Should I be stunned?

Why'd it happen like this?

Should it be dismissed?

Why her? Why me?

Why did this have to be?

-"Josanna Reese"

Bad news and good news. Before when I mentioned i made it into my classes, I forgot to mention one of the ones I really wanted to get into: Chamber Singer! This is my school's more advanced choral ensemble and I had to audition for it. Today, the choir teacher posted up the list of everyone who made it in and my name was right there on the list! Unfortunately, one of my closer friends didn't and I was sad with her because the class wouldn't be as fun. ='[ This was disappointing and on top of that another girl who didn't even meet the prerequisite of having at least one year in the school choir got in! It was rather unfair and now I am upset, sad, and angry but still happy/relieved. I'm still not totally happy about that list though and I won't be for a while...at least I've got tonight to look forward to...