2-0-1-4, Give Me More

A year in review of 2013 can be compared to my favorite roller coaster, the Silver Bullet.  It came with many twists and turns, loops, and of course the unexpected drops but it kept on going and sped through the more-challenging-to-handle parts.  Just like the suspended coaster, I felt my feet dangling through the air, whether it was because I was lost and didn't feel any support or it meant I was completely euphoric and floating through the atmosphere.

If there was one thing I can say was the number one factor causing this crazy ride, it was the number of people I met, became friends with, worked with, partied with, and even those lost.  it's incredible to realize just how many people can affect your life in just one year. Normally I base my life on the academic calendar; priorities you know? But after looking at this year from January 1st to December 31st, I cannot believe all the events that occurred could have taken place in the course of one year.  I've met the most people I ever have this year, I've lost the most this year, I've experienced the most this year, but most importantly, I learned the most this year.

I now have a footing in the Theatre and Dance Department.

1. For Colored Girls (ASM)
2. Duck Variations (first time stage managing)
3. Choreographer's Gallery (first dance show)
4. Hansel and Gretel (lighting operator - double spot light)
5. Vocal Juries (voice development and performance)
6. Theater, Dance, and Music classes (my love of singing, acting, and dancing)

I've continued to work with children and my love for the little ones continues to grow.

1. Hayden Summer Camp (Summer 2013 volunteer)
2. ASTEP Sacred Heart (assistant teacher for enrichment time)

All while maintaining a good GPA and dealing with boys on and off throughout the year.  I now know how to meet boys the same way I meet girls.  I struggled through many "forever alone," "I'm not good enough," "I'm not attractive/skinny enough," "I'm too weird/crazy" thoughts.  Granted, I am stuck in some sort of situation with all those and more, I've experienced acceptance, care, love, and friendship, that keeps me going forward.  No matter the amount of times some boy leads me on and drops me, I keep in mind that even though he made me happy, he doesn't determine my happiness and that's up to me.  I am so grateful for my girls and their continuous support and reminders that I'll find someone even if it's just for a while, I will find someone or they'll find me.  

So 2014, I'm not sure what you have in store for me, but I think this past year has prepared me well.  Bring on the hurt and the pain, I know I can take it now.  Bring on the ecstatic happiness because that's what everyone deserves, including me.  Give me more experiences to learn from, mistakes included, but more times to do it right.  Give me more people, or the same people just to know them better.  Give me all the blessing I have received this past year times ten.  Give me more love because I have so much more love to give.

Year One

Year one college life was a success. It was fun, exciting, new, different, and filled with just the right amounts of stress, challenges, and even mistakes.  I learned so much more about myself, about living, about teaching, about communication, about dancing, about singing, about acting, about friendship.  I experienced the independence so infamously spoken of when referring to college living.  I had freedom with the only limit being a lack of a car but the public transportation supported me the ways through, not to mention my legs.
I basically got to do everything I ever wanted with wonderful people and I never stopped meeting new people. I was so hopeful.  Fall quarter, check. Winter came and went. Spring quarter, year one complete.

And then came summer.
So grateful for the end of one very accomplished and memorable school year and looking forward to the long break that was to come including beach trips, camping, family, and old friends.  It all happened and I thought I was happy at least for the first two months but both times there was something inside that just kept coming back.  It was subtle at first like a little tick and then it became in itch.  From there it grew and then shrunk. At times I even thought it may have disappeared completely but alas, it would return.  Beginning, I'm not exactly sure where but it was either a pit in my stomach, or was it my heart; probably both.  A small hole, a peep, just a speck. But it continued and the hole got larger. It became a deep abyss, a void that needed to be filled.  For a couple days the inner feeling became physical and I considered the possibility of having burst organ.  That of course was just me being dramatic. But the physical soon subsided and yet what was left was an even bigger gap that seemed to extend as the days passed.

The two days of the beach trip and this last weekend were the greatest reliefs. For just a second I thought it would be okay, that the separation was gone and I was whole again.  Little did I know, it was a teaser.  I've got that summertime sadness.  This past weekend was probably the best one this whole summer.  The excitement at felt at the beginning of the year came back and it was a wonderful 3 days.  But again, just like that, it all left me.  My friends that I won't see for probably another year left and I left.  It was fun while it lasted but this time, the goodbyes didn't seem like enough.  It hurts so much more even though I've done this same meeting and leaving before.

I'm not sure why it was so much more difficult this time but I have some possible responses as to why.

1. I learned to appreciate friendship much  more this year with the sudden death of a fellow student.  I didn't know him personally but I knew people who did and it hurt just the same.  After that, may he rest in peace, I learned to love my friends in a way I never knew how to before.  
2. I became more honest, with others and myself.  I opened up to be vulnerable even with the risk of getting hurt.  I loved people so much more and I kept in mind this saying "It is better to have loved and hurt, then never to have loved at all."
3. I was more confident and more me. So when I saw my people again, it was really me and not just some girl putting up a front to impress others.  I also wasn't as insecure constantly worrying they thought I was annoying.  For once, I felt like they truly missed me and were happy to see me and not just out of pity or cause they wanted to be nice.
4. I felt comfortable again like I did at the university, without a mask when surrounded by them, not the way I acted around my family because I had to hold up expectations.  

Because of this though, I felt guilty and like I had been and still am living a double life. I thought I was a two faced female dog and I felt horrible.  After talking to my mom, she reassured me that acting different around family versus friends is completely normal.  There's still this sinking feeling inside though and I don't like it.  I want to be alone in my room in my head but I also want to be surrounded by my friends I know and love.  It could be that I just need my freedom once again, or that I need a new group of people to surround myself with but whatever the answer, I need it soon before I get too absorbed in my thoughts and I implode.  

After these observations, I can see how much I've changed within the past year.  I am a different person but still the same.  This is probably the closest I've got to finding out who I really am and because of my new perspectives, things change and I change...Or do I stay the same, just with certain traits more amplified than before, after all, the feelings had to start from somewhere.  I went from a naive girl who said she didn't like "Asian boys" because she thought they were all like K-pop stars, to a young adult who is more than willing to accept love and friendship from whoever comes along.  She doesn't want to fall into those stereotypes or fall for them either.  She's above that now and she knows better.  

                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have so much love to give. I just need someone to give it to.  It would be nice to have that one person who feels the same way I do, that can share with me a special kind of love, not a lust or passion, but honest and true love. One best friend I can come to at any moments notice and one who sees me the same way.  Take me, I'm at your disposal.  I know I over-think things almost all the time and it makes me crazy, but it's because I'm so scared something won't turn out right and I'll be left alone.  I don't think I can live alone but I know there are so many people who love me and care for me but why is it so important that I have to have one more special one. One.  

Wonderful World

Today was too much wonderful to handle!

I got a position assistant managing for the Spring 2013 production of "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf"

I got the opportunity to sit in on the other auditioners' callbacks and it was probably one of the most amazing theatre experiences in my life.  Everybody in this Theatre and Dance Department is so talented and wonderful.  I am making my way into the performing arts community and it overjoys me tremendously. I met multiple wonderful people today, the stage manager himself, the director/professor/wonderful man, and SO MUCH TALENT. I am literally mind blown.

I also got complemented. More than once. "You did so good." "I enjoyed your dancing." "I saw you perform today, it was really good!" "You're really pretty...but actually though." There are not enough words to describe what I am feeling at this current moment. It is like a giant heaping of catharsis and rainbows. I am full of wonder. Literally, all I can say is "wow." And thank you my dear Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Contemplating College

I just had a thought. In the middle of reading A Tempest by Aime Cesaire, (I don't know why it was during this book, maybe a phrase or the idea of freedom hinted something) I realized that the reason I am going to school is to learn.  Well, obviously that's what education is for but I seemed to have lost my understanding of school and it's importance.  All my life, at least that I know of, I have studied to get good grades.  The sole purpose for expanding my knowledge was to gather enough information in order to help me pass the High School Placement Test, SAT's, the AP's, or the next final.  In middle school, I had to get good grades in order to be accepted into high school.  In high school, I had to get good grades to get accepted into college.  In college, I have to get good grades to graduate, get credentials, and then get a job.  But what happens after that? There's no more point to earn an A because who is going to give it to you? It does not matter that you get the right mark on your transcript.  Ultimately, it matters what you learn.  It matters that you can take the material given to you, provided for you, and learn it, understand it, appreciate it.  So what if you get a B on the midterm! Did you learn something new, something valuable?  That's what's really important.
The point of college is to find out something you enjoy learning and wrap your head around it exploring all the possibilities out there and all the things that relate to what you love.  Your passions, your joys, your convictions, your values.  Take it all and absorb it into your brain.  Use every fiber of your being to understand and take it in, to create and imagine, to comprehend and share.  That is why I am in college, to learn. To take what I learn and share it with those around me.  To learn to do what I love and love what I do.
Amidst the transition from high school to college, I got caught up in trying to settle in and fit in with the world around me but I forgot about the purpose for being here in the first place.  Not to say that this is me taking away any fun, it's just a reevaluation of perspective.  This way, I can see all the work I do as a way to improve myself, mind, body, heart, and spirit.

Summer-sault!

Hello World!

Guess who it is? It's Judy, that's right, the new me. The motivated, happy, giggly, confident, fun, silly, weird, caring, wild child that has been locked up in a high tower waiting to be rescued. But you know what? I got tired of waiting so I decided it was time for me to find my own way out.  After 4 years of hiding behind the window curtains, I grew tired of asking for sympathy and attention. I refused to be a victim of middle-child syndrome or live up to my stick-thin Asian girl stereotype.  I jumped out of the window and scaled the tower wall ready for my adventure.  I met a nice red-head half way down the tower but I decided that I did not need rescuing and he decided that he wanted someone to rescue so I made a new friend and continued down the tower wall.  Once I reached the bottom, the floor became much more stable.  I found my dear friends, Alex, Sofi, Macy, Jessica, and even Natalia waiting for me not knowing that all along, they knew I would somehow get out of that high tower.  Together, we walked down the Rose Heath aisle, diplomas in one hand and flowers in the other.  [I even got a little rebellious and switched the position of the flowers just so I could hold hands with Jena as we said our final high school goodbye.  Although, we were only paired up because of height, I couldn't have asked for a better person to walk by my side, none other than our own Senior Class President.]  I gathered up all my knowledge from these past years and I continued to walk on towards the summer and straight to the Pacific Beach where  I fell in love with the salty ocean air and the cool breeze that moved with me wherever I traveled.  I walked and walked and ran and walked absorbing all of my surroundings during that one glorious week, never forgetting that I was ready to g out into the world and make an impact on the lives of others.  I brought along a change of fashion and one of mind, might I add, and I became the new me.

Now it is time to continue my journey.  Although Alex, Sofi, Macy, Jess, and Nata, my beloved group must spread throughout the different regions of California, we are all still in Cali and we have all agreed to share in each others' adventures.  From now on, I promise to do what makes me happy, so long as I also make those around me happy.  I vow to maintain my confidence and motivation as I walk off my extra layers to fit into a size small bridesmaid dress.  I agree to be nothing but myself and I look forward to the obstacles, but more importantly, adventures that cross my path.

Hello, again, World and lookout because Judy is here.

Stationary Status

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from everyone and everything. But then I want someone to find me and comfort me without me having to ask. Even more than both of those, though, I want someone who will actually do that for me.

In my current life, the closest equivalent to the sheltered hole would be my room, however, my room does not provide the privacy of my own little cave. I do not have a best friend since childhood that I can run to any time I need their company; Nor do I have a significant other willing to go out of his way to be with me. My room is more of a trap than an escape. Sure I have my laptop, internet, and music, but they all come with other constraints and unpredictable barging in of unwanted company.

I am stuck. I need to get out. I need someone to pull me out then take me with them on an adventure. But for now, I need to sleep.

Purpose? Possible? Plunge.

Musical Theatre Major? yeah right. I can sing and I can act but I can't dance. I love to sing, I love to act, and I love to dance. But dancing's always been a challenge, a challenge I look forward to, but a challenge nonetheless. If I withdraw, that's a waste of $70 and that's quite a lot for an application. I am now almost completely discouraged by those audition requirements. My goal: become a teacher. elementary school teacher. My dream: Perform on stage, singing, and acting, and dancing and teaching others the beauty of performing. I have no idea if that is really possible. Partly cause I'm Asian but that is only one setback. I don't have dancing shoes and I don't know what dancing attire is! How did I ever think I could do this? I am at a loss of what to do. I just want to run away and hide.